By Sydnee Lyons Nov 15 Dating someone new is exciting and refreshing. That is, of course, until you decide to have the "ex talk" — you know, tell them about the ghosts of lovers past. But when should you talk about exes? Is there ever a good time to tell them about your old relationship baggage?
Early on in one of my past relationships, my ex-boyfriend began receiving anonymous text messages with photos of me and my new partner. As it turns out, there is a right time to talk to your new partner about your ex or exes. Relationship expert Emily Holmes Hahn says the best time to bring up the topic is on or around the third date, but definitely not before.
It shows vulnerability, honesty, and the fact that you weren't afraid to commit in the past. Plus, your new man or lady is less likely to feel jealous or emotional about your romantic history if you address it early on.
For example, if your partner cheated in their previous relationship, that might be a deal-breaker for you. Giphy Beyond what your partner reveals about their ex, you can also learn a lot about them by paying attention to their tone and body language during this conversation. For example, Holmes Hahn says, "Someone who's able to maintain open body language, a positive tone of voice and objective opinions during this conversation is usually someone no longer looking in the rearview mirror.
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It's also someone who wants to show you that they were ready to commit in the past and are not suppressing any dark secrets about their romantic history. Holmes Hahn warns that if your partner is making sarcastic or degrading remarks about the person, if they find it difficult to maintain eye contact with you, or if they cry, they might not be ready for a serious commitment. Although being curious about your partner's exes is perfectly normal, be cautious if one of you seems overly obsessed with the topic.
Someone who is stuck in the past will never be able to focus on their future, which could mean trouble for your new relationship. Holmes Hahn says that one open conversation about your exes should be more than enough to carry you both through the first few months of your relationship.
After my first serious relationship ended, I wondered how soon I should reactivate my account on OkCupid, the site where it had started. “You. Also, this theory didn't occur to me until after that final, 8-year breakup. How long should I wait before I start dating again after I broke up with. It wasn't until the dismantlement of the five-year relationship I was in that I understood why people jump from one relationship to the next.
There are, of course, positive takeaways from the ex talk. An open and honest conversation about the topic early on will create a sense of intimacy between you and your partner.
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The ex talk is definitely something that should be taken seriously so, when the time comes, both you and your partner should be ready and willing to open up about it.